Everyday Lives of Albion's Heroes
by TheNuttyAuthor
Summary: What the Heroes of Albion do when they aren't specifically being Heroic. Slight AU.
1. Garth Brings Home A New Coat

Garth Brings Home A New Coat:

Garth only had 200 gold coins to his name. As a result of that, he refused to buy anything; everything he "bought" was free.

The shopkeepers appeared to have a special "deal" with Garth: All their items that weren't fit for selling went straight to the powerful Will user.

But the fact that Garth was incredibly happy with his Free Stuff didn't mean that Sparrow, Hammer, Reaver and Theresa would always embrace the Free Stuff when the Items came to the Heroes Guild. To the contrary, the four always gave a Unified Front Against Garth's Free Stuff. Even Cujo (normally a very sweet dog) growled at Garth when he brought Cujo Free Dog Treats. The fact was, all of the Free Things that Garth collected were Free for a reason. That reason was that most of these items were pure junk.

One day, Garth brought a New Free Coat to the Heroes Guild. It was puke-green and cropped at the chest with bell-like sleeves. Why was it so awful? Well, Garth was wearing said New Free Coat, and the New Free Coat was, essentially, a "belly shirt". Only Theresa was spared the horrible sight.

"_Garth!_" yelled Sparrow. The Hero of Bowerstone couldn't believe her eyes; the sight made her feel as though she wanted to throw up. As a defense mechanism, Sparrow closed her eyes while making certain to yell in the mage's general direction.

"What?" Garth was genuinely confused. Why was Sparrow irrationally reacting to his New Free Coat? The trader in Bowerstone had assured him that it was decent and useful. Then again, it _was_ a coat from Bowerstone Female Traders. The only reason Garth was wearing the New Free Coat was because he didn't own a bag to carry items in. After all, he was a mage rather than a fighter like Sparrow and Hammer.

In fact, the coat was supposed to be for either Sparrow or Hammer, but he forgot that the two women didn't have the correct body type for the New Free Coat; the New Free Coat was meant for a slender woman when Hammer and Sparrow were muscular. Heck, the New Free Coat wouldn't even look good on Theresa! Why did he have to get the thing when he knew that the female Heroes weren't ever going to use it?

"What's with that coat?" Reaver honestly wanted to know _why_ Garth's clothing taste had gone downhill. After all, _he_ wouldn't be seen with someone who didn't know how to dress. Why couldn't Garth let Reaver chose his clothing?

"Uh, um, uh, er, it was, uh, free."

"_What?_" Great. Theresa disapproved of the coat. That shocked Garth; he didn't even consider Theresa an accurate Judge of Clothing. Why did she keep disapproving of the Freeness?

When Garth went to bed and changed into his Standard-Issue Dorky Mage Pajamas, the other three Heroes held a group conference.

"We've got to convince Garth to get rid of that coat!"

"But Hammer, how are we gonna convince _Garth_ to dispose of something that was free?"

"I could always shoot it."

This conversation continued until Hammer convinced Sparrow to use her Level One Burn spell on the New Free Coat and destroy it.

And so she did. Hammer and Reaver joyfully watched the New Free Coat burst up into flames while Theresa clapped her hands.

When Garth woke up, another coat took the place of the one that was Burned. Because it was Free Stuff, Garth didn't even think twice about putting on the new coat.

"That was one of my _best_ coats!"

"I don't care, Reaver! It's Garth's now."

And so every Hero won, until Garth decided to obtain more Free Stuff from vendors that he had the Special Deal with.

Then, everyone but Garth lost.


	2. Harmonica the Talking Monocle

Harmonica the Talking Monocle:

Garth's eyesight was going bad. He needed glasses, but couldn't afford them. One day, he found a Free Monocle in Bowerstone Old Town, and put it on. After all, it was Free Stuff, and Garth _loved_ the concept of Free.

When Garth went back to the Heroes Guild, Sparrow, Hammer and Reaver glared disapprovingly at him. Theresa frowned in his general direction and Cujo growled. Oh, great, thought Garth. He brought home a Free Monocle, and now he was in for it.

However, nobody, not even Theresa, was prepared for what came next.

"Hi, everybody! My name's Harmonica, and I'm Garth's best friend!"

"Aaaaaah! The monocle talked! Garth's a ventriloquist!" With that, Hammer ran to her room and locked the door.

"Have you taken up ventriloquism, Garth," inquired Reaver.

Garth's silence explained it all to the Heroes: No, he _hadn't_ taken up ventriloquism. Why, were they crazy?

"Well, in that case...Garth! You have a haunted talking monocle!" Now, Sparrow and Reaver ran to _their_ respective rooms and locked the doors. However, Sparrow had to negotiate with Hammer in order to get the door to their room open, but she felt it was worth it.

Great. _Now_ he was definitely going to be either yelled at by the other Heroes or worse.

"Garth," said Theresa, "Your no-roommate privileges have been revoked. Until you get rid of that Haunted Talking Monocle, you and Reaver are officially roommates!"

"No way," said Sparrow in utter disbelief. Finally, that room of Garth's could do something useful.

"Nuh-uh," said Harmonica the Monocle, "Garth's the best, and all of you are a buncha losers."

From that day onward, Harmonica was Public Enemy Number One in the Heroes Guild. Hammer would attempt to attack the monocle, but Garth zapped her with his Level Five Lightning spell, and she associated attacking the monocle with pain. Reaver attempted to shoot the monocle on occasion, but Garth used his Level Five Burn spell, and Reaver learned to associate the monocle with pain. Sparrow tried to stab it with her sword, but this time Harmonica spoke.

"Can't you see you're hurting an innocent monocle here?"

Spooked, Sparrow ran for the room she shared with Hammer and curled up with Cujo. Her only solace was that Hammer, too, was hiding from Harmonica the Monocle.

All the Heroes agreed that Harmonica the Haunted Talking Monocle was becoming a problem—except for Garth—and decided to have a Garth-and-Harmonica-excluding Hero Group Conference, led by Theresa.

When Garth put on his Standard Issue Dorky Mage Pyjamas and went to bed, Reaver snuck out of their room and went to the Hero Group Conference.

The Heroes discussed plans to get rid of the monocle without upsetting it or Garth. However elaborate the plans were, however, they were all doomed to fail. Finally, Theresa spoke up.

"What if we stomp the monocle and replace it with a new, nontalking monocle?"

"Yeah, that might work."

The Heroes snuck into Garth's room and stole his monocle. Every Hero but Theresa successfully stomped on the monocle. Every time _Theresa_ attempted to Stomp the Monocle, she stomped on a foot by mistake. Eventually, the other Heroes put the monocle on their feet and let Theresa stomp the monocle in that manner.

Not for the first time, they wished that Theresa could see what the heck she was doing. Those stomps hurt! Sparrow wished that she hadn't told Theresa to wear her Stomping Boots, as the aforementioned boots were painful!

When Garth woke up, another monocle took the place of his old one. Because it was Free Stuff, Garth didn't even think twice about putting it on.

Everybody won, including Garth—for once.


	3. Reaver Loves His Dragonstomper

Reaver Whispers Sweet Nothings To His Firearm:

One day, when Hammer and Sparrow were out in Bowerstone attempting to "explain" to Garth the concept of Buying Things, Reaver was ill. He was happy about this, for it gave him a chance to whisper sweet nothings to his firearm.

"Who's the best, most wonderful firearm in the world? You are, my Dragonstomper! Yes, you. I love you, Dragonstomper!"

However, Reaver had forgotten that _Theresa_ was also at the Heroes Guild, having promised to make him soup when he was sick. Theresa walked in with an overflowing bowl of soup, watching Reaver praise the Dragonstomper, and she was grateful—not for the first time—that she couldn't _see_ what Reaver was doing.

Assuming that Reaver was delusional, Theresa aimed the pitcher of water in his room in Reaver's general direction. She missed, but accidentally doused the Dragonstomper instead. Oops. This wasn't the first time that she knew Reaver was in the angry-delusional phase of Balverine Swamp Fever. Theresa put the soup in where she assumed Reaver's table was and went to warn the others.

After all, it _was_ her duty as Guildmaster of the Heroes Guild to warn the other three about Reaver's possibly contagious Balverine Swamp Fever. Unfortunately, that meant that she had to move Garth from the shared room until Reaver's illness stopped.

While sick, Reaver crooned to the Dragonstomper. Nothing else mattered to him; why should it? It _was_ his prize weapon, after all. Albion might need the Hero of Skill to use it. They'd better ask him, because Reaver was the best darn shot in all of Albion.]

He grinned. Staying home sick was the _best_, but playing with firearms was even better!


	4. Garth Gets A Job

Hammer and Sparrow vs. Garth's Free Stuff:

The same day that Reaver was in the Guild with Balverine Swamp Fever, Hammer traveled to Bowerstone. The whole purpose of the trip was to convince Garth that his Free Stuff was actually junk that nobody else wanted, so the merchants just unloaded it on him.

Given recent events involving Garth's Free Stuff, it would possibly be easier than expected to convince Garth the point. Then again, the Heroes had _tried_ convincing Garth, but he ignored them.

Perhaps the best idea would be to get Garth a job. Then he wouldn't have to worry about money so much. Bowerstone could always use another bartender.

Aha! There was the Free Stuff-obsessed man! Hammer had forgotten that there was a sale at the alchemist's. Every time that there was a sale someplace, Garth always came to the Heroes Guild with Free Stuff that was actually junk!

"What a surprise. Hammer enjoying the lovely sale."

He had spotted her. The large, oversized hammer must have given it away. Why didn't she listen to Sparrow about bringing weapons into Bowerstone?

"Garth. We need to talk."

"What?"

"You need to get a job. Then, you wouldn't always be bringing home the _Free Stuff_ and causing aggravation."

However, the alchemist had already given Garth some potions that were unusable by anyone but small children. Garth thanked him and smiled. He embraced the Free Stuff with vigor.

"Alright, that is _it_. You're gonna tend bar at the Cow and Corset, and you're gonna _like_ it!"

"No! I'd have a job! I'd have a source of income! Nothing would be Free anymore!"

When Hammer dragged Garth to the Cow and Corset, Sparrow was waiting for them.

"Hannah!"

"Sparrow!"

Garth was dropped by Hammer in order for her to hug Sparrow. However, Hammer accidentally made him bump his head against the bar, and Garth had an aching head due to the force used by the other Hero.

"Garth," Sparrow said, "I got you a job tending bar. Do it or else."

He had no choice. All Garth could do was pour every ounce of his being into becoming the most amazing bartender to ever grace the Cow and Corset.

It was kind of easy, actually. All he had to do was pour the mead into tankards and ensure that it was the right amount. However, that didn't stop Garth from drinking on the job.

While Garth had kicked the Free Stuff habit, he developed a new Drinking On The Job habit. The other Heroes didn't find that habit as obnoxious as his old one, so they ignored it.

Garth now had a job, and a newfound love of mead. Plus, every time his fellow Heroes visited the Cow and Corset, they got Free Drinks! Okay, so Garth hadn't _completely_ kicked the Free Stuff obsession, but he bought most things he came home with. To the Heroes, that was a better deal than any of Garth's prized Free Stuff.

Even Garth agreed that the Free Stuff Habit may have been dragging him down. However, that didn't stop him from becoming a Stingy Bargain Hunter, nor did his deal with the merchants end.

Unfortunately, because of the Free Mead, Garth got drunk at the Cow and Corset one day. That was the day his friends and fellow Heroes realized that Garth was a fun drunk.

"Let's get this party started! Drinks on me!"

It was definitely more fun to have Garth around when he was drunk. Of course, two tankards usually got him in the "Funny-Drunk Space," due to him being the type of person who rarely drank. Oh, how everybody loved Garth at work.

Even though Garth missed his Free Stuff, he was quite proud of his bartending and loved his job. Besides, the mead and beds were Free! Who _wouldn't_ want an awesome job like his?

He was going to come back to the Heroes Guild with Free Stuff again, but he didn't care. Garth was a cheap man, but he was _proud_ of it.


	5. Obligatory Valentines Day Chapter

The Obligatory Valentines Day Chapter:

It was the annual Valentines Day Friendship Exchange in the Heroes Guild. The Heroes (and Theresa) had prepared their cards for a week in order to give them to the proper friend.

However, Garth wasn't worrying about any of that nonsense. He, being too cheap to even pick up a pack of Free Cards from vendors, had simply decided to "re-gift" cards. He wrote the names of his friends on cards that _they_ had given him last year during the last possible minute, smiling as he did so.

When it came time for the actual card exchange, Garth walked over to the Guild hall with his re-gifted cards to meet up with the others. He got them Free Cards, and was quite proud of not spending one gold on his friends. Perhaps most people wouldn't think that it was a good measure of friendship, but Garth knew the other Heroes well. It wouldn't matter to any of them if they got their cards back. He was sure of it.

"Hannah. Sparrow. Reaver. Theresa."

Each of them handed him a card that appeared to _not_ be Free. Why did they directly disobey Garth's Free Stuff?

In return, Garth handed them the re-gifted Free Cards, fully expecting them to cheer him on. The Free Stuff was awesome, and this was hopefully when they realized it.

Hannah, Sparrow, Reaver and Theresa promptly ripped their cards into tiny little pieces.

"Garth, you cheap idiot!"

Yay! Garth got Free Confetti!


	6. Garth Scores Free Noodles

One day, Garth and Reaver were in Bowerstone Market's Restaurant District trying to get something to eat. It was Theresa's day to cook, and she was _horrible_ in the kitchen.

Sparrow and Hannah were also in Bowerstone Market, but they were on the opposite end of the Restaurant District. Only Theresa could stand her own cooking.

"Samarkian Noodles! Get your hot, fresh Samarkian Noodles!"

Now, Garth was from Samarkand, and he missed the food he'd grown up eating. He dragged Reaver over to the Samarkian Noodle vendor and sat down.

Wait. It _was_ another Samarkian, specifically one that Garth knew well. This woman, back in Samarkand, made the most delicious noodles that Garth had ever tasted!

"Well, if it isn't Garth Gupta! You were my best customer back in Samarkand! Well, I guess that Albion calls you Archmage now! Ha ha! What brings you to my humble noodle stall?"

"Hi! I'd like to order four large noodle bowls!"

Back in Samarkand, Garth_ loved_ his noodles. They were often the only thing he ate at a meal. Garth could never eat just one bowl of noodles, and had always eaten a minimum of two at a time. Seeing his favorite food in Albion made him so overjoyed!

Knowing Samarkian cheapness, it was likely that four bowls would cost one gold. Oh, joy. Garth had to spend one of his gold coins, but it would be worth it!

Reaver, however, was a stranger to Samarkian food, so Garth ordered him one bowl.

Garth knew that once you started to eat Samarkian noodles, you couldn't stop. One of the reasons he was so skinny involved the food in Albion. It was terrible! How _anybody_ could stand to eat Albion's fare was beyond him.

"Coming right up."

Reaver was confused upon why Garth had decided to order _three _noodle bowls. More importantly, how did the vendor know Garth? She said that he was her best customer. Garth didn't even enjoy food!

When three noodle bowls were placed in front of Garth, Reaver had his answer. Garth greedily slurped his noodles with an enthusiasm he had never shown for food. Well, if _Garth_ liked it, then Reaver would probably find it tasty.

"Mmm. You're the _best_ noodle-maker I've ever met, Halla!"

Reaver tentatively took a bite of his noodles and grinned. It was delicious! Garth was right to not buy Albionian food! How could he? Not with what he was missing!

"Because you're my best customer, you and your friends get to eat free."

"How long?"

"The rest of your lives!"

For once, Garth's cheapness had worked out for both him and his friends.

That was how the four Heroes found themselves at Halla's Samarkain Noodle Stand, watching Garth slurp down four bowls of noodles. They were surprised that the skinny Will user could actually eat that much, and stared at him.

"Hey, Garth. You gonna eat that?"

"Yes!"

"Garth, the rest of us are trying to eat here."

"More noodles!"

"Garth! Is your stomach a bottomless pit?"

"No. I get full after sixteen bowls of noodles. Doesn't everyone?"

Garth hugged Reaver. He _loved_ the man who helped him get the wonderful noodles!


	7. The Party

It was just another ordinary day for Albion's Heroes. Nothing strange happened, until Reaver decided to throw an apartment party (they lived in a run-down, cheap apartment in Bowerstone while Theresa was getting the Heroes Guild renovated). Then, Garth went into a panic. He had just seen the bill. Hammer swung at the ventriloquist and his dummy. Blade played "Pin the Tail on the Donkey". In retrospect, Reaver thought, it was a dumb idea to blindfold two women who could beat him up without much effort. Theresa catered the event. She created the most tasteless and disgusting food that any of the Heroes had ever eaten. However, she worked for free, and Reaver had to avoid causing Garth's panic attacks to get worse.

Reaver, for his part, spent his time avoiding Hammer's massive sledge. She thought he was the ventriloquist-dummy. He avoided Garth's obnoxious panic attacks from seeing how much the party cost. He even managed to avoid being the pincushion for Blade's rather unorthodox game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey".

Then, Theresa came with the food.

It was disgusting! But how was Reaver supposed to tell a blind woman that she had no taste? It would be insensitive. And even _Reaver_ knew how to be sensitive at times.

Ouch! A pin pierced his arm, and Reaver was starting to seriously doubt Blade's ability to tell a paper _donkey_ from a living _person_.

"Got it! Hey, Reaver! What's my prize?"  
Reaver pried the pin from his arm. He un-blindfolded Blade.

"You don't get a prize."

"Aw, why not?"

Hammer peeked from underneath _her_ blindfold and grinned.

"Yeah, Reaver. She _did_ get the pin into something."

"Well, she stuck this _donkey tail_ into my _arm_! It hurt!"

Blade stared around the room.

"Uh, sorry I stuck the donkey-tail pin into your arm. It won't happen again."

Reaver bandaged up his arm.

"Blade. Hammer. It appears that it was a dumb idea to blindfold two violence-prone women. So, I'm removing Hammer's blindfold."

"Alright! Now, where's that ventriloquist? I'm gonna destroy that dummy if it takes me all day!"

"Wait, did you hire a ventriloquist? They're creepy! I'm joining Hammer!"

The two women rushed off to find their newest target for the Ventriloquist De-Programing Center.

"Reaver! Reaver! Have you _seen_ this bill? You spent _five thousand gold_ on this party. Including that Creepy Ventriloquist!"

Great. Now, Garth was coming to complain about the money. What a cheapskate.

"Good news, everyone!"

Hammer and Sparrow stopped their destruction of the ventriloquist's dummy. Garth stopped yelling at Reaver over financial issues. The Creepy Ventriloquist salvaged the remains of his dummy and left the apartment.

"The Heroes Guild has been completely renovated! We can move back in immediately!"

All four Heroes cheered at the news. It meant no more living in the apartment that Garth had picked out. No more Ventriloquist Conventions in the nearby hotel. No more having to all share one room in order to ensure that the other bedroom was exclusive property of Theresa. No more having to pay the rent. No more Bower-Mart. This would be awesome!

The Heroes packed up their things and left the apartment. They moved back into the Heroes Guild permanently.

Well, until Theresa decided to make _more_ renovations. Then, it was back to the Apartment Garth Picked Out.

They all lived happily ever after. Or at least, they _tried_ to. However, Garth was still a neurotic cheapskate. Reaver was still an egomaniac. Hammer was still afraid of ventriloquists. Blade was still obsessed with her dead sister, Rose. Theresa was still a horrible cook.

Okay, they _didn't_ live happily ever after. But the Heroes _did_ train generations of Albion's future Heroes. Because of them, Albion trusted the Heroes Guild again.

Once again, the Heroes Guild was a major operation.

And it was all thanks to the four Heroes who rebuilt the Guild. Okay, and Theresa.


	8. Reaver's Birthday

The Party:

Today was Reaver's birthday, and Garth was in charge of the party. Given his refusal to buy anything, nobody expected anything good. The person who had the least high hopes was, understandably, Reaver.

He was used to big bashes in Bloodstone, not what Garth was planning.

Oh, yes, Reaver had seen Garth's "Awesome Party Plans." You couldn't hide _anything _in the room he and Garth shared. Hewasn't looking forward to a party run by Mr. Cheapskate, but it would have to do.

He glared while reading the List to himself. Garth was _so cheap_!

My Awesome Plans for Reaver's Party, by Garth:

Get cake

Make Theresa-shaped Piñata

Obtain gun-related stuff

Get Reaver new pistols

Obtain candy for the Theresa-Piñata

Get food that Reaver likes

Fail to invite Theresa to the party

Convert Guild Hall into shooting range

Make Theresa-shaped targets

Borrow party clothes from Reaver

Obtain blindfold

Blindfold Reaver

Charge up Level Five Lightning Spell to zap Reaver awake

Fail to invite Reaver's "friends" to the party

Make Reaver a customized, personally-written card

Make "Happy 200th Birthday, Reaver!" banners

Fail to invite the Heroes-in-training to the party

Nobody who read the List without knowing Garth would think so, but Reaver was well-acquainted with the eccentric Will user. Most people would assume that all of Garth's plans involved spending money, but the gunslinger knew that Garth was planning something cheap that didn't involve buying items from Bowerstone Market.

Well, it was safe to assume that his party was either going to be completely horrible, or be somewhat _non-_horrible for him. After all, one Garth "Cheapskate" Gupta was running it.

He hid the List near where Garth had "hidden" it, and discovered a sketchbook. Strange. He didn't know that Garth fancied himself an artist. These were probably images of what was going on his "customized, personally-written card". Oh, joy. Art created by a man 155 years his junior. However, Reaver Aaron Grey couldn't help but wonder just _what_ was in the sketchbook.

He opened the book out of curiosity, expecting to see a childish scene involving baby animals. Be reasonable, Reaver, he thought to himself. Garth wasn't _that_ much of a child.

What he saw was quite shocking, and caused him to abruptly slam the book shut. It was...him! How did Garth get this good at drawing? Okay, "good" wasn't the right word, but Garth shouldn't have hidden this. After all, _he_ was the subject.

Reaver forgot about the book as Garth walked into the room. He felt himself get blindfolded, and let Garth lead him into the Guild Hall.

"You can take it off now."

"Surprise!"

Hammer and Blade were greeting him with cheery grins. However, the party looked _wrong_! Garth had _ruined_ it! That pushed Reaver over the edge!

Garth had not only ruined his 199th birthday, but now he ruined his 200th birthday party! Either the man wasn't good with instructions, or he was too darn cheap to follow them!

Ugh! Okay, Reaver was _done_ playing Mr. Nice Guy!

"Garth! You cheapskate! I gave specific instructions, and you refused to follow them!

As a response, Garth handed Reaver the "card" he made.

Probably _another_ stupid piece of junk. Why did these things _always_ happen to him?

Reaver tore up the card into small pieces without reading it, and Garth just grinned at him.

"Yay! Reaver made Free Confetti!"

Once again, the other Heroes turned as one to yell at Garth.

"Garth, you cheapskate!"

Reaver couldn't resist adding his own words.

"You've ruined my birthday twice now!"

Then, Garth took several punches from Reaver. Since this was an exact repeat of what had happened last year, nobody showed real concern. Except for Garth.

However, that wasn't really important. Reaver got his revenge, and Garth suffered in the process.

The next time Reaver asked someone to throw him a birthday party, he'd pick _Theresa_. Even though he was choosing his blind guildmaster, he was confidant that she would do a better job. How hard could it be to throw him a party that was even _marginally_ better than the ones Garth threw, after all.


End file.
